saturday night...

Tonite was curts bday outing downtown at the bob. I wanted nothing more than for him to have a great time and to not feel like I should speak up about something I don't agree with.  But sure enough...what happens...my insecurities once again got the best of me.   I got all dressed up and he never so much as said "oh hunni you look really pretty"  I just wanted to be noticed by him and no one else.  Im glad he had fun though.  He does deserve that every now and then.

Horrible, Shitty Week

I feel disconnected, depressed, bummed, lonely, unappreciated....and a million other things

I've felt disconnected from Curt.....I'm sick of being at home....i feel worthless.....i feel like getting pregnant was NOT the best idea right now.....ugh...i just wanna feel needed.....like if I wasn't here he'd fall apart, or if I wasn't here there would be nobody to take care of things for him.....instead its like everything would go along like nothing ever happened if I wasn't here.  

We're having another boy.....why do I get bummed out about it?  I guess I looked forward so much to dresses, dolls, a mother-daughter relationship....i'm deathly afraid of 2 boys that won't give 2 shits about me.  They'll love their dad more than me, i'm afraid of being disrespected by men for the rest of my life....I wanna raise boys that love and respect women....boys that listen and behave themselves....I've failed with the 1st one...he doesn't listen to a thing i  say.....

I see happy couples and wonder if we're still there.  Are we still that fairytale?  Or have I been such a pain in the ass I've ruined it...   I wish we could just sit down and talk about everything....I wouldn't make it 5 minutes without balling my eyes out.  then our conversation would end....

im overly emotional today....and i hate this...I hate that I have no one to just listen to me cry....no one to hug me and say it'll be just fine........

Feeling a little down....wanted love and attention tonite but got nothing...oh well I guess

I hate waking up and thinking am I doing things right?  Is everything okay?  Is he happy?  I'm sick of him being so secretive about his phone...his computer....it makes me feel like he's trying to hide something.   I signed onto his FB which is the only thing I still have a PW to....he deleted an email he sent to Jayne Kennicott.  For what reason, I'm not sure, because the email didn't say anything other than the fact he seen her on his way to work.  Maybe he thought I'd be mad....

I thought this valentine's day we'd talk about things...or at least have sex....nope.  neither.  I'm supposing that he'll blame that on me because I don't put forth effort and he has given up.  Which makes me sad....and makes me wonder is he getting it somewhere else?  I don't think he would, but there are some times that I feel like I don't know him.  Regardless of how he feels, I love him....and I'll love him till the day I die.  He has been the most amazing man I've ever met in my life....

I get scared from time to time....I'm afraid we'll split up...I'm afraid he's not in love with me anymore...I'm always afraid and wondering if he's still happy...ugh, i just want to feel normal again....

What Happened?

I'm not quite sure what happened to us...this relationship I could've sworn was a fairytale.  I miss us.  I miss you. 

I just don't think I'm what he wants anymore...

Things that annoy me..

Things That Bug Me

1. I don't like when you neglect to tell me details about your day when I have no problem telling you about mine...inside and out.
2.  I don't like it when you say things about my housekeeping, mothering, personality. 
3. I don't like it when you can discuss things with other people before me having any knowledge of your feelings, etc. 
4. I hate being the last one to know anything....especially when it involves us.  

I almost feel like I'm being cheated on emotionally......like he's so capable of spilling his guts to somebody else besides me....am I that unreachable?