today

I watch people on SuperNanny today....and i see some things that they do with their kids that I think we do with Trenten. Watching this little boy and his tantrums that he throws (he has ADHD) it sort of makes me think that Trenten has that. His crazy off the wall tantrums...he flies from one thing to the next...getting him to do normal things is sometimes a task. But at the same time, I feel like Curt and I don't do enough for him...I feel like maybe we dont give him the attention he needs? Do we play with him enough? How do you regulate time with him and getting house work done?

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sometimes i worry....what would i do if all this that i have just didn't work out. I'm so paranoid that one day this will be over....that I'll wake up from this dream that I have been living for the last 5 years. I sometimes feel helpless....like I'm incapable of ever explaining to him how I feel for him. Sometimes there's feelings of not doing enough....of "not putting forth enough effort". Feelings of insuffiency.....and I'm at a loss as of what to do to change it.

I'm so afraid of being embarassed...maybe I just don't have a lot of confidence in myself. I'm always second guessing.

I just wanna be able to grab him....let him know exactly whats on my mind when I think he's super hot....I wanna be able to seduce him without worrying about how i look.

I think of you often...

I miss you today. I miss you always when you're not around.

But at the same time, I find myself being so wretched when you are here. I dont understand this. Maybe the combination of Trenten being rowdy and me trying to get your attention myself causes a stir in my emotions.

These days my head is filled with worry. I worry if you're happy...I worry if this is what you want out of life. Sometimes I just wish i could turn the "worry" button off. I just want to enjoy life...I dont wanna think about anything besides our little family. I want to laugh with you like I used to.

I miss the fun me....