So my books came today...and so far I've almost finished one and have made it to page 40 on another. I'm trying....really trying. I want to be a better person, for myself, for trenten and for Curt. That would be great...to be happy with the way I am...I was happy with me before Trenten...and I've lost that. I was so happy with everything before I became a mother and now I don't know what I'm doing half the time...I don't know which was is up or down...what is wrong or right....if i let him do this now is it going to bite me in the ass later...
And then I have Curt...once again...I'm not sure whats up or down with us anymore. I want to believe so much in my heart that everything is up...everything is wonderful or at least better than before new years. I want to believe that I'm not acting like my mom...that I'm not an angry unhappy bitch. Why do I have problems showing the person I want grow old with love, respect, appreciation....
All stems back from mommy issues I'm sure...I don't know what went on between my parents when the doors were closed or we weren't home....I don't know what truly pushed them apart...all I know is what I seen day to day. I seen a woman who I don't believe EVER appreciated him, I seen a woman who CONSTANTLY made everyone in that house feel about 2" tall, I seen a woman who was miserable with herself so everyone else had to be too....Constant yelling...arguing...and my dad sit and took it. Sure I can remember the plate throwing incident....but that's the ONLY thing i ever remember him doing that I didn't agree with. Sometimes I feel like my mom is the reason my dad is where he is today...I know he's a grown man, but when you spend most of ur adult life with a woman who makes you feel worthless...no one to build you up and make you feel worth while...it takes a toll on you. But like I said...I knew nothing of what went on between them when I wasn't around.
I want to be a positive, optimistic, outgoing person that i know I can be without fear of judgment from others...without fear of being made fun of....thats what I worry about the most...being the butt of everyone's joke. I guess I just have to learn how to take a joke....learn how to laugh it off with everybody else and get thicker skin.
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