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yup....emotions.

I cried...I cried hard.  He's asleep...and even if he was awake I'd probably still hide this from him.  I think he doesn't care when I cry...I think he feels like you got yourself here, tough shit.  I just wish he'd hug me and say things will be okay.  That's all I want....reassurance.

I got a bunch of different self help books and I just wanted him to ask me about them....I want him to show interest in things that I do...and maybe he's just tired...  I asked him today to think of 5 activities he'd want to do with me....I'm not sure he could think of one.  Maybe I'm wrong...but that makes me sad to think that.

I would kill for some support....I would die for someone just to say..everything will be fine.

Why am I pregnant right now....sometimes I think he's not excited about this baby at all...is this the straw that breaks the camels back?  I'm terrified.  I'm definitely getting no love like I did when i was pregnant with trenten....of course our relationship was still very new....but a baby is something to be happy about. 

I'm trying so hard to be this new person...this person that doesn't say anything when he says "i'm going ice fishing...i'm going to work on the shanty...I'm going to work on the truck"  He feels as if he's been a prisoner in this relationship for the last 5 years...and that breaks my heart.  I had absolutely no clue he felt that way.  I was totally fine with spending my time with him...I guess he felt different.  How could I have been in the dark this long.....Here i thought we had this magnificent relationship when I didn't realize we weren't communicating.  I wish he would've talked to me.    The only things I ever asked him to do was no strip clubs...no bars.  Mostly because I was always petrified he'd meet somebody else....or he'd get sex from somebody.   My heart believes he'd never hurt me...but I'm terrified to put my complete trust in someone.  I'm terrified of karma.....

I looked Kyle right in the face...even tho it killed me...I looked him in the face and said I don't love you anymore.  What if that happens to me.....what if Curt looks me in the eye and says I don't love you anymore...when i love him sooooo much.  I am deathly afraid of the unknown. 


I sent the link to this blog to him today....and I'm sure he'll never read it....but if he ever does I hope he READS it...i hope he understands that writing is my way of saying everything I need to say....say everything that my heart feels....everything my mind thinks.