what's left?

I'd love to know what I'm doing right these days...it seems like everything I do is wrong.  I'm too negative....too bitchy...too jealous....too defensive...I'm just not sure what I do right anymore.  What's left of me that he still enjoys? 

It feels strange to love somebody so much and wonder if they feel the same?  Does he love me just because i'm the mother of his kids?  Is he still in love with me?  I'm scared....and sad about the whole situation.

saturday night...

Tonite was curts bday outing downtown at the bob. I wanted nothing more than for him to have a great time and to not feel like I should speak up about something I don't agree with.  But sure enough...what happens...my insecurities once again got the best of me.   I got all dressed up and he never so much as said "oh hunni you look really pretty"  I just wanted to be noticed by him and no one else.  Im glad he had fun though.  He does deserve that every now and then.

Horrible, Shitty Week

I feel disconnected, depressed, bummed, lonely, unappreciated....and a million other things

I've felt disconnected from Curt.....I'm sick of being at home....i feel worthless.....i feel like getting pregnant was NOT the best idea right now.....ugh...i just wanna feel needed.....like if I wasn't here he'd fall apart, or if I wasn't here there would be nobody to take care of things for him.....instead its like everything would go along like nothing ever happened if I wasn't here.  

We're having another boy.....why do I get bummed out about it?  I guess I looked forward so much to dresses, dolls, a mother-daughter relationship....i'm deathly afraid of 2 boys that won't give 2 shits about me.  They'll love their dad more than me, i'm afraid of being disrespected by men for the rest of my life....I wanna raise boys that love and respect women....boys that listen and behave themselves....I've failed with the 1st one...he doesn't listen to a thing i  say.....

I see happy couples and wonder if we're still there.  Are we still that fairytale?  Or have I been such a pain in the ass I've ruined it...   I wish we could just sit down and talk about everything....I wouldn't make it 5 minutes without balling my eyes out.  then our conversation would end....

im overly emotional today....and i hate this...I hate that I have no one to just listen to me cry....no one to hug me and say it'll be just fine........

Feeling a little down....wanted love and attention tonite but got nothing...oh well I guess

I hate waking up and thinking am I doing things right?  Is everything okay?  Is he happy?  I'm sick of him being so secretive about his phone...his computer....it makes me feel like he's trying to hide something.   I signed onto his FB which is the only thing I still have a PW to....he deleted an email he sent to Jayne Kennicott.  For what reason, I'm not sure, because the email didn't say anything other than the fact he seen her on his way to work.  Maybe he thought I'd be mad....

I thought this valentine's day we'd talk about things...or at least have sex....nope.  neither.  I'm supposing that he'll blame that on me because I don't put forth effort and he has given up.  Which makes me sad....and makes me wonder is he getting it somewhere else?  I don't think he would, but there are some times that I feel like I don't know him.  Regardless of how he feels, I love him....and I'll love him till the day I die.  He has been the most amazing man I've ever met in my life....

I get scared from time to time....I'm afraid we'll split up...I'm afraid he's not in love with me anymore...I'm always afraid and wondering if he's still happy...ugh, i just want to feel normal again....

What Happened?

I'm not quite sure what happened to us...this relationship I could've sworn was a fairytale.  I miss us.  I miss you. 

I just don't think I'm what he wants anymore...

Things that annoy me..

Things That Bug Me

1. I don't like when you neglect to tell me details about your day when I have no problem telling you about mine...inside and out.
2.  I don't like it when you say things about my housekeeping, mothering, personality. 
3. I don't like it when you can discuss things with other people before me having any knowledge of your feelings, etc. 
4. I hate being the last one to know anything....especially when it involves us.  

I almost feel like I'm being cheated on emotionally......like he's so capable of spilling his guts to somebody else besides me....am I that unreachable?  

.

yup....emotions.

I cried...I cried hard.  He's asleep...and even if he was awake I'd probably still hide this from him.  I think he doesn't care when I cry...I think he feels like you got yourself here, tough shit.  I just wish he'd hug me and say things will be okay.  That's all I want....reassurance.

I got a bunch of different self help books and I just wanted him to ask me about them....I want him to show interest in things that I do...and maybe he's just tired...  I asked him today to think of 5 activities he'd want to do with me....I'm not sure he could think of one.  Maybe I'm wrong...but that makes me sad to think that.

I would kill for some support....I would die for someone just to say..everything will be fine.

Why am I pregnant right now....sometimes I think he's not excited about this baby at all...is this the straw that breaks the camels back?  I'm terrified.  I'm definitely getting no love like I did when i was pregnant with trenten....of course our relationship was still very new....but a baby is something to be happy about. 

I'm trying so hard to be this new person...this person that doesn't say anything when he says "i'm going ice fishing...i'm going to work on the shanty...I'm going to work on the truck"  He feels as if he's been a prisoner in this relationship for the last 5 years...and that breaks my heart.  I had absolutely no clue he felt that way.  I was totally fine with spending my time with him...I guess he felt different.  How could I have been in the dark this long.....Here i thought we had this magnificent relationship when I didn't realize we weren't communicating.  I wish he would've talked to me.    The only things I ever asked him to do was no strip clubs...no bars.  Mostly because I was always petrified he'd meet somebody else....or he'd get sex from somebody.   My heart believes he'd never hurt me...but I'm terrified to put my complete trust in someone.  I'm terrified of karma.....

I looked Kyle right in the face...even tho it killed me...I looked him in the face and said I don't love you anymore.  What if that happens to me.....what if Curt looks me in the eye and says I don't love you anymore...when i love him sooooo much.  I am deathly afraid of the unknown. 


I sent the link to this blog to him today....and I'm sure he'll never read it....but if he ever does I hope he READS it...i hope he understands that writing is my way of saying everything I need to say....say everything that my heart feels....everything my mind thinks.  

enough already

Another night where I let my emotions get the best of me....I guess I really needed to talk to someone...or I guess I should say I needed to talk to my husband.  

There are a lot of times I feel lonely after being in this house for a year.  Sometimes I absolutely love it and I enjoy being able to be here and get things done....BUT then there are times like tonite that I was a little lonely....a little desperate for someone to talk to....and im pretty sure everything I said came out sounding like this "bitch, bitch, bitch...nag, nag, nag"   

I'm insecure with myself, my relationship....I think everything hangs in the balance right now and I'm scared that one little thing I might do could make it fall either way.  I want so bad to be this wonderful person...but at the same time, I want his support.  I want him to come home and try more to make conversation...i understand he talks all day and when he gets here he wants to shut down...but i'm feeling the opposite...I need someone to talk to besides this blog, these walls, or myself.  I could bawl my eyes out right now.....I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.  I feel like I have a husband who doesn't wanna spend time with me.  

Am I supposed to sit back and say okay dear, do what you wanna do, I'll be here waiting.  I'll be here taking care of the kids, the house....just go do you.    I just dont know what I'm supposed to be like....

and so it begins...

So my books came today...and so far I've almost finished one and have made it to page 40 on another.  I'm trying....really trying.  I want to be a better person, for myself, for trenten and for Curt.  That would be great...to be happy with the way I am...I was happy with me before Trenten...and I've lost that.  I was so happy with everything before I became a mother and now I don't know what I'm doing half the time...I don't know which was is up or down...what is wrong or right....if i let him do this now is it going to bite me in the ass later...

And then I have Curt...once again...I'm not sure whats up or down with us anymore.  I want to believe so much in my heart that everything is up...everything is wonderful or at least better than before new years.  I want to believe that I'm not acting like my mom...that I'm not an angry unhappy bitch.   Why do I have problems showing the person I want grow old with love, respect, appreciation....

All stems back from mommy issues I'm sure...I don't know what went on between my parents when the doors were closed or we weren't home....I don't know what truly pushed them apart...all I know is what I seen day to day.  I seen a woman who I don't believe EVER appreciated him, I seen a woman who CONSTANTLY made everyone in that house feel about 2" tall, I seen a woman who was miserable with herself so everyone else had to be too....Constant yelling...arguing...and my dad sit and took it.  Sure I can remember the plate throwing incident....but that's the ONLY thing i ever remember him doing that I didn't agree with.   Sometimes I feel like my mom is the reason my dad is where he is today...I know he's a grown man, but when you spend most of ur adult life with a woman who makes you feel worthless...no one to build you up and make you feel worth while...it takes a toll on you.    But like I said...I knew nothing of what went on between them when I wasn't around.  

I want to be a positive, optimistic, outgoing person that i know I can be without fear of judgment from others...without fear of being made fun of....thats what I worry about the most...being the butt of everyone's joke.  I guess I just have to learn how to take a joke....learn how to laugh it off with everybody else and get thicker skin. 

.

maybe today isn't a good day.  i thought it was...it seemed okay when i crawled outta bed this morning....

I'm a little overwhelmed with emotions today...
We got an invite to go sledding with Britney & Adam saturday night at 7pm.  I didn't want Trenten in the night air because I've been hearing him cough at night and it was only a high of 20 degrees yesterday.  I thought Curt would've said the same thing...but he said yeah we can make it.  After he says that he asks me if something is wrong with trenten because britney said i just told her he was sick.  Later in his texts to her he says...wish i could come by myself, sounds fun.    why does he never wanna do anything fun with me....

He said NOTHING to me about talking to her....nothing about texting her that he wished he could go....i had to look thru his phone to find out he wanted to go without us because trenten couldn't be out at night.  maybe that's the sacrifice i have to make for a while.....maybe I have to sit at home while he goes and does whatever he wants.   He knows that I have nobody to go and hang out with....and we dont have the money.  Girls don't go fishing....i cant think of one thing that girls can do for free besides hang out at home.   

I just wanna cry today.....I'm not exactly sure why.  But I'm sad.  I want him to suggest things....I want him to wanna have fun with me but apparently I'm the problem...and I'm the bitch....and I'm this....I'm that.  what is happening.....................

So far...

So, my self help books will be here next week.  I'm anxious to read them and get started.  So far Curt and I have been okay.  I've had a couple hang ups so far...but I havent been anything like what I used to be. 

I had a moment where I afraid I was going to taken advantage of for being nice about him going places anytime he wanted.  I was afraid by me not saying anything when he wanted to do something...he'd just come and go as he pleased.  I also get scared that his friend "A" will rub off on him....I don't want Curt to become angry over every little thing I do.  That's no way to be or to have a relationship.   Especially when we're trying to work on things and not let everything get to us.

I'll admit...I'm a lil uptight.  I get scared that things are going to happen...when in reality they probably never would.  I get really annoyed and uncomfortable when Curt makes perverted jokes to Britney, Rikki and frankly, he'd make them to any girl that ever came around.  He thinks they're funny and harmless...I dont.  it makes me think he really does want to do sexual things with them.  And the only reason I think that is because I know he's a very sexual person....I worry that he doesn't get everything he needs from me sometimes. 

It's always a lot of stress and worry..especially when I thought for so long that everything was ok...and deep down it wasn't. 

I hate the fact that he'd rather discuss OUR relationship with Rikki than come to me and discuss it like he should.  I guess that's what sucks about having shared friends....  because when I find out they'er agreeing with him...I feel like they're talking shit about me.  Making me look like a horrible person instead of defending me like a true friend should.  Regardless if they're friends with both of us or not.    I was pretty upset to find out that Rikki agreed with curt when he said i was controlling.  I can't be like her...I can't just let it roll off my back when my husband decides he's going to stay out ALLL night long and not come home.  I can't ignore shit like that.  I don't wanna spend nights alone...that's not what marriage is about.  If that's the way she wants to live, that's fine...that's up to her.  Just because i don't want my husband gone all the time doesn't make me controlling....i don't control everything he does.  I just don't like it when I have to be home alone...makes me a clingy wife more than a controlling one. 

2010....A year for a better me.

So far this year I've ordered the following books:

• Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs
• The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
• The Heart of the Five Love Languages
• She's Gonna Blow!: Real Help for Mom's Dealing with Anger
• The Power of a Positive Wife
• The Power of a Positive Mom
• What the Bible Says About Marriage

I'm hoping this can help me get a better idea on techniques to use to become more happy!  More positive...among other things.  

After our  argument on NYE...I've realized a lot of things.  I'm controlling or I think we said a better word was clingy...I'm negative (horrible habit of being a negative nancy)...i talk to him like he's nothing...  and i've been doing this for so long and haven't even realized it.  

So it was pretty heartbreaking to know I'd been hurting the one person I loved and cared for the most for so long.  So this is it for me...no more angry me...no more hurtful me...no more negative me.  I realize it will be a tough personal journey...I understand that some days will be easier than others, but I'm willing to change.  I'm willing to become a better person for my family, for my friends, for my own personal well being.  

We've talked about me going to see a counselor as well...whatever I need to do.  I love him & I wanna be with him for the rest of my life.   I'll do whatever it takes.